Serious Thinks Thought Here

Another extended weekend, another foray into the consumer abyss I un-affectionately call ‘Costco’.

I’ve written about Costco before, and why not? There’s the absurdity of buying items so large and unwieldy that you must also buy a crane in order to move it into your cart. And don’t think you can’t buy a crane there, either. That’s the second surreal facet of the Costco experience—there are no limits to the type of items you can find there for purchase.

As an experiment, I once decided to create a Costco shopping list by first conducting a series of random image searches on Google. Here were the results:

1. A kayak
2. Uranium ore
3. E. Coli (magnified 300x)
4. The state of Wisconsin
5. A 19-year-old girl, likely drunk, sporting “duck lips” and flashing a sideways peace sign
6. Lady GaGa
7. The Space Shuttle

And with this list, I set off to shop. Just to make it more challenging, I gave myself a 90-minute time limit. Not because it made it more difficult to find the items but because it gave me a valid excuse to barrel over and through those aisle-hogs who seem to prefer the absolute center of narrow places.

In the end, I have to admit that the final results were mixed. Here’s an item-by-item report:

1. That was easy. There were 6 of them on sale as soon as I walked into the place. Gotta make room for the Xmas decorations coming in next week, you know.

2. A little difficult to find. But noticed some right next to the contact lens cleaning solution in Aisle 2 — Health and Beauty Aids and Radioactive Materials. Of course. Silly me.

3. Due to my time of arrival, I decided to eat at the food court. Now we wait and see…

4. A salesperson claimed they were out of stock and instead suggested I buy a 24lb. wheel of cheese. Seemed like good advice.

5. Oh man, what I would’ve given to find THAT thereER, WHEN I WAS 19 I MEAN

6. Didn’t find one on the shelves but saw one being returned on my way out. I guess I’ll have to wait for the reboxing.

7. Saw the bubble-packaging, but I guess to discourage shoplifting, you have to take it to a room in the back of the place where they present you with the actual item. A little inconvenient, I think, particularly if you are in a hurry.