Texts With My 18-year-old Daughter

  • Daughter: Dad, what's all this going on in North Korea?
  • Me: Well, the North Koreans have barred the South Koreans from entering a joint-run factory. And they have been beefing up their nuclear testing. And accusing the U.S. of wanting to topple their society. But the U.S. isn't interested in toppling their entire society, just PSY.
  • Daughter: Wait--what??? PSY isn't even from North Korea.
  • Me: Op op op op oppan Gangnam Style!
  • Daughter: Um, I really have to go.
  • Me: ♬ Ay ~ Sexy lady! ♬
  • Daughter: Bye, Dad.
  • Me: Op.

Favorite State Of The Union Addresses Throughout History

Being older than the majority of you (but not you, you old bag), I have certainly seen more than my share of State Of The Union Addresses. Perhaps you all are too young to remember Grover Cleveland’s address (I believe it was way back in 1988). Grover decided to forgo a written speech and just began telling stories from his childhood vacations in Lakewood, New Jersey.

Even earlier on was Andrew Jackson’s address (perhaps 1952? ‘53?). Andrew had a well-known fondness for alcohol and thought it would be fun to have a 2-drink minimum at the event. Good thing they commissioned an artist because nobody in congress reportedly could remember it the next day.

But perhaps my favorite State Of The Union Address was given by probably the greatest President our country has ever known, BENJAMIN Q. FRANKLIN. It was Ben who looked congress dead in the eye and stated,

"Bring on the loose women!"

If memory serves, Franklin was re-elected a record-setting 10 times.

They just don’t make Americans like that anymore.


Dear President Barack Obama,

Congratulations on winning the election yesterday, although you hardly could have done it without me. But this isn’t about me, is it? No, it’s about you.

Now that the election is over and you have vanquished your opponent, isn’t it time that you say what you really think about him? How about that hair, for example. Does that thing ever move? Mitt is kinda the anti-Trump in that regard, isn’t he?

And while we’re on the topic of being truthful about your opponents, do you think Paul Ryan is hot? My teen daughter sort of thinks so, and since you again are the leader of the free world, I would imagine that you’re an expert on pretty much everything.

But onto more important matters. What are we going to do about Katy Perry? Are you able to pass a National Law declaring that she really can’t sing, or is an amendment to the Constitution more appropriate? I ask because I dropped out of law school before that topic was discussed.

And what about Clint Eastwood? Is it legal to commit him to some kind of sanitarium, or can that only be done by a three-fifths majority vote in Congress. Laws are confusing.

I know that you have a couple of things planned for our country over the next 4 years, but I think a National Smoothie Day makes sense on a number of different levels. Nothing screams BIPARTISANSHIP like a smoothie. Except, perhaps, someone screaming, “BIPARTISANSHIP!” That works, too. And with smoothies, you won’t insult some right-wing, religious wingnut’s sensibilities. Hey, it’s not like we’re saying that we somehow evolved from smoothies. Although, I would have no objections if right-wing, religious wingnuts somehow evolved into smoothies.

Anyway, I forgot where I was going with this.

Well, have a nice 4 years. Rest assured that I will be voting for you in the next election as well.

Your Favorite American,

Political Update

Since mine is primarily a political blog (what?), I feel the need to make a declaration. I am an undecided voter.

That’s right. As far back as I can remember, I have been voting for undecideds. Any kind of election, off-year, on-year, leap year. If there’s an undecided out there, I have voted for him or her.

How do I find my candidates? Easy. I just hang around the outside of my local polling place.

Me: Hey, buddy. Who are you voting for?
Other Person: Why, I haven’t quite made up my mind yet.
Me: Great. How do you spell your last name?

I have to admit, none of my undecideds have ever WON an election. So I really cannot say how well undecideds do at the job as compared to the crackerjack career politicians, but really, can they do much worse?

This presidential election seems to have really brought out the undecided vote. So much so that I cannot decide who to vote for. Which makes me an undecided voter undecided voter. Which to me makes me just as viable a candidate as any of the other clowns. Which should make you feel rather uneasy.

On Planets

Sometimes I miss ol’ Pluto. Stayed away from the crowd, never bothered anyone, maintained an air of mystery. It didn’t deserve its fate. Honestly, would you say the solar system is a better place without Pluto? I don’t think you can.

There are some who believe that the demotion of Pluto was politically motivated. That there was a need to reduce the number of planets receiving federal aid. Perhaps. But by that logic, wouldn’t it have made more sense to expel Jupiter? I think so.

Jupiter is the largest of all the planets—more than twice the size of all the other planets combined. Talk about your planetary bloat. And I mean that literally. Jupiter isn’t even made of solid rock; it’s completely comprised of gas. If that’s all it took to form a planet, there would be one right next to me on the sofa cushion. If you get my drift.

So I don’t know about you, but in the upcoming presidential election, I will be very interested to hear where the candidates stand on the issue of reinstating Pluto and expelling Jupiter.

It’s the Solar System, stupid.

Let’s Get Political!

Since mine is primarily a political blog (WHAT?), I would be remiss if I didn’t address the recent Supreme Court decision on Obamacare.

Most people tend to miss the point. It is not relevant whether you feel Obamacare is constitutional or unconstitutional. What is relevant is the fact that we just plain need a new Constitution.

Let’s face it. The old Constitution is just that—old. There’s no mention of smartphones, Facebook or metrosexuals anywhere in there. Or so I believe; I really haven’t read the whole thing. I mean the part after “The Constitution of the United States”.

So, I believe we are overdue. I propose that the new Constitution be written in alignment with the prevailing, modern philosophy of our country. That is, what I believe is correct and what you believe is heresy. But in terms of specifics:

1. Make evolutionism our national religion.

2. Outlaw all opposing views. Who exactly is an outlaw will depend on your personal perspective, of course, but those details are meant for the courts anyway.

3. Everybody has to buy their own everything.

4. Put Katy Perry on all currency.

5. Outlaw all currency.

6. Outlaw Katy Perry.

7. Enough about Katy Perry.

8. Remove all words from the National Anthem so that we don’t have to hear another wretched screw-up when rendered by a “pop singer” before some national ball game.

9. Outlaw all national ballgames.

10. Outlaw extremism. Everybody has to be a moderate.

11. Outlaw inane lists.