Game Show!

  • Pat: Welcome back to Wheel Of Fortune! Here's our next puzzle [beep-boop sounds]...and the category is--THING. It's your turn, Aristotle.
  • Aristotle: [spins]
  • Pat: $500
  • Aristotle: I'll take a THETA, Pat! [buzz]
  • Pat: Sorry, Aristotle. No THETA. And I have to say that I would have been surprised if there was one, you know? But you can use that Free Spin card you won...
  • Aristotle: Sure, Pat. [spins]
  • Pat: $1000
  • Aristotle: Um, is there an...OMEGA, Pat? [buzz]
  • Pat: No. No OMEGA. No theta and no omega. Jeez, man. Well, now it's Veronica's turn to spin.
  • Aristotle: A vowel! A vowel! Can I buy a vowel?
  • Pat: No really, Aristotle. It's Veronica's turn--
  • Aristotle: An ALPHA! I'd like to buy an ALPHA! [buzz]
  • Pat: No ALPHA, you cretin! No theta, no omega and no alpha [buzz, buzz]. You hear those buzzes?! It means you're wrong! You're wrong!
  • Aristotle: Lambda?
  • Pat: Buzz! Now, we are going to move on to Veronica or I'm going to beat you senseless! Spin the damn wheel, you harlot!
  • Veronica: Yes sir. [spins]...Oooh, $5000! [tremendous applause] Um...is there a...DELTA? [ding, ding, ding]
  • Aristotle: Damn.

A Social Experiment

Sometimes, when you are housebound for several consecutive days, you are driven by insanity to engage in some serious, at-risk behavior. I’m not talking about substance abusive or degenerative sexual conduct.

No, I’m talking about firing up the HDTV and watching game shows nonstop. Before you continue reading (presumptuous, aren’t I?), let me provide this warning. Engaging in this kind of mind-altering activity can be extremely dangerous. Under no circumstances should children under the age of 12 be permitted to participate in a social experiment such as this.

The first show I watched was “Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?” This is a trick question; if you’re watching the show, then the answer is a definitive “No.” They use contestants that, ostensibly, are at least of average intelligence. But as soon as the first geography question is posed, they begin blubbering onto the narrow shoulders of some pre-pubescent. Shameful.

I was beginning to feel a little shaky when “Family Feud” came on. While the title hints at some real rootin’, tootin’ and shootin’, there is precious little actual violence. Instead, each family must predict how a gaggle of cretins responded to a series of surveys. I am never sure who wins the rounds because I am too busy passing judgment on the contestants first names (I am looking at you, Skip) and deciding which family has the hottest women. The latter is too easy, as evidenced by the amount of pawing in which each lecherous host engages.

I then am treated to a relatively new offering, “Dog Eat Dog”. Again, I am misled. There are no dogs here, let alone one that eats other dogs. There are no rules, apparently, either. Just a bunch of genetically engineered men and women who are asked questions, participate in elaborate “stunts” and display their abs. There’s a hot model-type who hosts the show, too. I think she takes home her choice of contestant as a trophy each day. Why am I watching this, again?

At this point, I was beginning to hallucinate. But ruining my trip was an ancient episode of “The $25,000 Pyramid”, hosted by version 2.0 of the DickClarkATron. In this game, one person peers into some kind of tunnel and basically “beats around the bush” for 10 seconds. The other person, clearly annoyed at the fact that their partner can’t just come out and just say what is on their mind, spends the aforementioned 10 seconds interrupting them. That has to be the most rude game show ever.

But then it gets kinky during the bonus round. One person is literally bound in a chair with no ability to move their hands or arms, while at the same time being forced to verbally taunt their partner with words that belong to some category or another. Hey, whatever floats your boat.

In the end, it only takes 120 minutes of viewing such programming before I begin to blather like some crack-addled idiot. Which, as luck would have it, instantly brings me to the attention of some intrepid TV producer.

Apparently, a pitch to have me host a soon-to-be-aired game show is in the works.

Tonight On Wheel Of Fortune

I’m really sick and tired of hearing these contestants go on about their perfect lives while being interviewed by Pat Sajak. How can every player have a beautiful wife, beautiful kids, wonderful husband and the like? I mean, the divorce rate is about 50%. That means at least half the time, we should be hearing…

Pat: So Suzanne, it says here that you’re married.

Suzanne: That’s right Pat. Still married to that lazy son-of-a-bitch, Hank. But not for long!

Pat: Great. Your turn to spin.

[Clap]

The Birth Of Jeopardy

  • Producer: So, here's my pitch...We have a show where contestants have to demonstrate significant knowledge across many categories for money.
  • Network Exec: Sounds good.
  • Producer: But that's not all! The contestants have to demonstrate their knowledge IN THE FORM OF A QUESTION. Such as, instead of saying, "The Doppler Effect", they have to say, "WHAT IS The Doppler Effect."
  • Network Exec: Sounds good. If the contestant forgets, do they get kicked off the show?
  • Producer: No.
  • Network Exec: Do they have to forfeit large sums of money?
  • Producer: No.
  • Network Exec: Then what happens when they forget to give their answer in the form of a question?
  • Producer: The host reminds them.
  • Network Exec: Never work.