The bitterest Herb is my uncle, who still can’t believe after all these years he was passed over for that job back in 1968.
Passed over. Hehe.
I’m like the 11th plague.
What To Eat: A Brief Conversation With My Wife
Brief Conversion With My Daughter
Holiday Travel Confidential
Nothing stresses me more than attempting to pack our car for an extended trip anywhere. This week we are going to my sister-in-law’s house in New Jersey. To help organize the chaos, I generally make a written list of what has to be loaded and then I place them in the car with Tetris-like precision. Here is the list for my current trip.
5 people, including 2 teenagers and one octogenarian. Each has their own seating requirements. Both teenagers (male and female) want to sit in the single 3rd row seat, so a Cage Match typically ensues about 10 minutes prior to the trip. My son has grown a bit since 2012, so I expect this year’s Battle Royale to last a little longer than last year’s 15-second melee (he’ll still lose rather handily, however, so that’s where the smart money goes). My mother-in-law needs to sit anywhere where there is no fresh air filtering in due to the fact that oxygen makes her cough repeatedly and uncontrollably. Usually we place her in an air-tight body bag before positioning her in her seat.
415 boxes of cookies for my sister-in-law to give to those people she doesn’t care enough about to give real gifts. It is a little-known fact that there are no bakeries in New Jersey. The State Constitution outlaws them, but allows backyard stills. She should give moonshine and leave me out of it.
6 trays of hot food my wife has made “so my sister doesn’t have to cook”, because the only thing my car lacks is a large cooking-oil stain in the shape of Jesus’ face on the carpeting. Oh, and a DVD player.
3 large suitcases, each large enough to hold my mother-in-law. Hmmm. I wonder if any oxygen can get in there….
Gifts for the family. Let me introduce everybody to the 21st Century and a little thing called “Overnight Shipping”. Where are the drones when you need them?
Discussion With Teenage Daughter
Brief Chat With My Wife
First Meal In Hospital
Not-So-Secret Tumblr Message
To all of you who have asked about my daughter:
Thanks for your concern. Yeah, yeah, she’s doing fine. Surgery went well, blah, blah, blah.
I don’t think you heard me right. I’m hungry. Where’s all your concern now? Someone get me a sandwich, dammit.