5

What To Eat: A Brief Conversation With My Wife

davio1962
Wife:
Ugh, I'm sick of coming up with ideas for dinner. JUST ONCE, why don't you decide what to have for dinner for a change.
Me:
OK, how about pork chops?
Wife:
Nah, not in the mood for pork chops.
Me:
...
5

Brief Conversion With My Daughter

davio1962
19 yo daughter:
Ugh, that's so rude!
Me:
You should really write an etiquette book.
19 yo daughter:
Inorite. I really should.
Me:
Of course it would burst into flames as you were writing it.
G

Holiday Travel Confidential

davio1962

Nothing stresses me more than attempting to pack our car for an extended trip anywhere. This week we are going to my sister-in-law’s house in New Jersey. To help organize the chaos, I generally make a written list of what has to be loaded and then I place them in the car with Tetris-like precision. Here is the list for my current trip.

  1. 5 people, including 2 teenagers and one octogenarian. Each has their own seating requirements. Both teenagers (male and female) want to sit in the single 3rd row seat, so a Cage Match typically ensues about 10 minutes prior to the trip. My son has grown a bit since 2012, so I expect this year’s Battle Royale to last a little longer than last year’s 15-second melee (he’ll still lose rather handily, however, so that’s where the smart money goes). My mother-in-law needs to sit anywhere where there is no fresh air filtering in due to the fact that oxygen makes her cough repeatedly and uncontrollably. Usually we place her in an air-tight body bag before positioning her in her seat.
  2. 415 boxes of cookies for my sister-in-law to give to those people she doesn’t care enough about to give real gifts. It is a little-known fact that there are no bakeries in New Jersey. The State Constitution outlaws them, but allows backyard stills. She should give moonshine and leave me out of it.
  3. 6 trays of hot food my wife has made “so my sister doesn’t have to cook”, because the only thing my car lacks is a large cooking-oil stain in the shape of Jesus’ face on the carpeting. Oh, and a DVD player.
  4. 3 large suitcases, each large enough to hold my mother-in-law. Hmmm. I wonder if any oxygen can get in there….
  5. Gifts for the family. Let me introduce everybody to the 21st Century and a little thing called “Overnight Shipping”. Where are the drones when you need them?

5

Discussion With Teenage Daughter

davio1962
Me:
What are you watching?
Daughter:
"The New Girl" on Netflix.
Me:
That's with Zooey Deschanel, right?
Daughter:
It's pronounced 'Zoey', Dad.
Me:
Zooooey.
Daughter:
'Zoey', Dad.
Me:
It's got 2 o's. You don't say, "I'm going to the zo to see the animals." Ergo, you don't say 'Zoey'.
Daughter:
Ugh, it's pronounced "ergo", Dad!
Me:
Ergoo.
9

Always a good time when the Leibowitz family comes over for a visit.

davio1962

Always a good time when the Leibowitz family comes over for a visit.

5

Brief Chat With My Wife

davio1962
Wife:
What do you mean there's no cereal in the house? We have Cheerios, Raisin Bran, Lucky Charms.
Me:
Oh. I didn't realize you meant in THIS house.
5

First Meal In Hospital

davio1962
Me:
So, do you want me to cut your food for you?
Daughter:
Dad, I'm on a liquid diet.
Me:
Ungrateful.
Daughter:
Nevermind. I'm too full from the IV drip.
G

Not-So-Secret Tumblr Message

davio1962

To all of you who have asked about my daughter:

Thanks for your concern. Yeah, yeah, she’s doing fine. Surgery went well, blah, blah, blah.

I don’t think you heard me right. I’m hungry. Where’s all your concern now? Someone get me a sandwich, dammit.