It was a morning like any other. I was eating my cereal and drinking my coffee while reading the latest news on my beautiful tablet computer. When all of a sudden, I coughed up a combination of cereal and coffee all over the table and my beautiful tablet computer.
Just thought I would share this little slice of my life with all of you before the unfollowing begins.
I just received a phone call from a real estate agent. He asked me when I thought I might make a move. Unfortunately, I thought he said, “movement”. So I said, “As luck would have it, I was just thinking about one now.”
Man, was I surprised when he replied, “Great, I’ll be right over!”
In this week’s episode, Dave discusses:
~ Centipedes. Household pests or cool-looking hair berets?
~ The best food selections from prison menus.
~ Why Wheel Of Fortune is actually devil worship.
PLUS an interview with Pete, the creepy old guy from down the street
Dave: So, Pete. What really happened to ol’ Mrs. Messerschmidt?
Pete: I ain’t sayin’.
Sam Cavanaugh, Easter Egg Coloring Champion, was so good at his craft that he could color eggs without having to wait for the chicken to lay them first.
In spite of the obvious difficulty of this feat, there were very few high fives given when he received his award.
I recently made my way through my local mall. The thought of that, in itself, is enough to have me wake up in the middle of the night in a pool of sweat (that is sweat, isn’t it?). But it is what I saw in the mall that is giving me that queasy, barfy feeling in my belly.
I am referring to the Eyebrow Threading kisok. You know, right after the Pixelated-Photo-On-A-Tshirt-For-Grandpa kiosk. Now normally, I try to move as quickly as I can past all of the kiosks, lest some carnival huckster con me into buying a lifetime supply of acne mud. But once I caught a glimpse of eyebrow threading, I had to gawk like a mid-westerner at a County Fair freak show.
In some cases it looks like someone is attempting to play Cat’s Cradle a little to close to another person’s face. Careful now, or you’ll poke somebody’s eye out.
However, with the fingers of both hands moving quickly and one end of the thread in the threader’s mouth, it give the impression of a giant spider looking to encase its snared prey into its web.
Either way, it is thoroughly creepy.
I have to admit something, though. I have no idea what the desired outcome of this horrifying activity is. I imagine that the customers are somehow lulled into a trance of sorts (perhaps pharmaceuticals or hallucinogens are involved) and then later consumed by the “threaders” after the mall closes.
In any event, I just felt compelled to inform you of this malevolent activity taking place in malls all across the country. I’m like the guy at the end of “Invasion Of The Body Snatchers”.
What Thanksgiving needs is a mythos. That whole, quaint Pilgrim crap is completely lost on this generation of kids. What is needed is something to compete with Santa, the Easter Bunny and Sid The Talking Arbor Day Tree.
So without further ado, I present my Thanksgiving Day mythos.
"On Thanksgiving Day morning, all the little good girls and boys wake up with smiles on their faces, knowing full well that during the night, Tom The Uncooked Turkey visited their house with his basket full of brussel sprouts and dear god this is why Thanksgiving sucks and everyone can’t wait until Christmas."