Phil was tired of the “automated menu runaround”. He waited for a “live” person to finally pick up the phone.
"Hello, this is Leanne, thank you for calling Rent-A-Pus. How may I help you today?
"Hi, Leanne. My name is Phil. I just received my octopus in the mail today and I am having problems with it."
"Well, I am very sorry for that, Phil. We here at Rent-A-Pus aim to fill all your temporary mollusk needs. Anything less than 100% satisfaction is UNSATISFACTORY. Let’s see if we can help you. What exactly is the problem?"
"Well, the octopus I received is not actually an octopus at all. It’s a squid."
"I am sorry for that, sir. Are you sure it’s a squid? I mean the two are easily mistaken for one another."
"Are you saying that I do not know an octopus from a squid, Leanne?"
"Of course not, sir. I apologize. Perhaps you would like to hold on to the squid for a few days and see if it meets your needs. It’s one of our most popular models."
"I’m sure it is, Leanne. But what I really need—and ordered—is an octopus. So, if you can’t ship me the octopus, I guess I will have to cancel my order altogether. And I must add, the Mrs. and the kids will be sorely disappointed. They were really looking forward to having an octopus. Now all they have is a squid."
"Of course, sir. Can’t disappoint the family like that. And so close to the holidays, too. Can I put you on hold for a minute?"
"Sure, I’ll hold."
[Hideous Xmas music piped in]
"Phil, I’m sorry to say that we are completely out of stock of octopuses. Christmas rush, you know. But we here at Rent-A-Pus want you to KEEP the squid as our gift. Once again, our sincerest apologies."
"Jeez, Leanne. I just don’t know what we’re going to do with a squid we don’t want. And now I still have to find an octopus or little Sammy will be heartbroken."
"Once again, sir, we are truly sorry. Just one more thing. You might get a follow up call asking you to rate our service. We sure hope that you won’t let this little mishap lead to us getting anything less than a perfect score."
"I can’t lie, Leanne. Mollusk substitution is pretty serious."
"I understand, Phil. Well, thank you for using our service, anyway. Is there anything else I can get you? An oyster or nautilus perhaps?"
"Hey, do you carry any sea cucumbers?"
"No sir, we do not."
"You guys should really get out of the business, Leanne."
"Doubtful, sir. It’s not like we have a lot of competition."