Another Halloween. I’m not sure when I became Halloween-intolerant, but I bet it was after graduating college. My party invites dried up and the sight of a grown man prowling the neighborhood in a clown costume brought more attention than anticipated. Mostly from the police.
But then I had kids and the Halloween cycle started up again. I dressed them up. I trick-or-treated with them. I decorated the house. Actually, my wife and I just stopped cleaning it at the end of August and people fawned over how dilapidated and spooky it looked.
But I didn’t stop there. No, I flung myself whole-hog into the day. It started with snatching bodies from the local cemetery. It took a while to get the hang of it, however, as I first began by digging them up during the afternoon hours. “Why don’t you try doing it at night?” they would ask (nevermind who they are). “Are you kidding?” I would reply, “It’s creepy then.”
I also began conducting nefarious and mysterious experiments in my basement. Like bringing dead batteries back to life. And transporting objects and animals from one end of my basement to another (mostly through the air if I was strong enough to toss them there on a fly). Some of my experiments went horribly awry, leaving me no choice but to dispose of the evidence quickly before my wife came down to do the laundry. And you know, Bounty® is the quicker picker-upper.
I also briefly attempted to haunt my old sleepaway camp. Unfortunately, there are precious few campers there at the end of October. So, I merely lurked about in the woods. And got poison ivy. In my privates. Probably nothing more gory than that.
Now I am looking for new, horribler things to do during Halloween. Like eat a candy corn, trick-or-treat for UNICEF or vote Republican. However I already have garnered the reputation as “that guy people steer their kids and small dogs away from” and “that guy who ends sentences with prepositions”. And while that might mean more candy for me, I generally abstain. For fear that I might have to confront the most evil of demons.
The membership coordinator at my local gym.