Another Halloween. I’m not sure when I became Halloween-intolerant, but I bet it was after graduating college. My party invites dried up and the sight of a grown man prowling the neighborhood in a clown costume brought more attention than anticipated. Mostly from the police.
But then I had kids and the Halloween cycle started up again. I dressed them up. I trick-or-treated with them. I decorated the house. Actually, my wife and I just stopped cleaning it at the end of August and people fawned over how dilapidated and spooky it looked.
But I didn’t stop there. No, I flung myself whole-hog into the day. It started with snatching bodies from the local cemetery. It took a while to get the hang of it, however, as I first began by digging them up during the afternoon hours. “Why don’t you try doing it at night?” they would ask (nevermind who they are). “Are you kidding?” I would reply, “It’s creepy then.”
I also began conducting nefarious and mysterious experiments in my basement. Like bringing dead batteries back to life. And transporting objects and animals from one end of my basement to another (mostly through the air if I was strong enough to toss them there on a fly). Some of my experiments went horribly awry, leaving me no choice but to dispose of the evidence quickly before my wife came down to do the laundry. And you know, Bounty® is the quicker picker-upper.
I also briefly attempted to haunt my old sleepaway camp. Unfortunately, there are precious few campers there at the end of October. So, I merely lurked about in the woods. And got poison ivy. In my privates. Probably nothing more gory than that.
Now I am looking for new, horribler things to do during Halloween. Like eat a candy corn, trick-or-treat for UNICEF or vote Republican. However I already have garnered the reputation as “that guy people steer their kids and small dogs away from” and “that guy who ends sentences with prepositions”. And while that might mean more candy for me, I generally abstain. For fear that I might have to confront the most evil of demons.
The membership coordinator at my local gym.
I come from a long line of people in my family who have dabbled in voodoo. In fact, once I created a handful of undead and sent them to walk among the living.
Just go to any city agency office and ask for assistance in filling out the 54A60/v form.
When I was a senior in college (1984), The Evil Dead was released as an unrated film. Rumor had it that Sam Raimi spent about $6.75 on the production. That being said, it was unrelentingly scary and gory and more than once, I came dangerously close to seeing my dinner again, albeit in a partially digested state.
But then it was over and I went home to bed. I slept with the light on because, well, I really couldn’t sleep and most ghoulies and demons don’t bother with you with the light on.
But then the bed began to shake. Noticeably. I swore to myself that if it began to rise towards the ceiling, I would have lost all bowel control. A full 2 minutes passed with me on the verge of tears. Manly tears, but tears nonetheless.
At that point the bed stopped shaking. I never did rise to the ceiling, which was fine with me as I had forgotten to turn off the fan up there and, well, you know…blood splatter.
A few hours later, I learned that my town had experienced a 5.6 richter-level earthquake earlier that morning, which might have accounted for the shakes.
However, I am still convinced that on that night, I was possessed by a demon of laziness that has not left my body since.
(click to embiggen the image above, but I warn you, it will lead to Satan playing all your vinyl records backwards)
Skeletons have always struck me as the jovial sort.
There were no personal computers.
If you were a nerd or a geek, you were into horror movies and monsters.
And you read this:
Either way, you probably weren’t going to get a date to the Junior High School dance. Which was OK because girls are scary.
Scariest movie I ever saw?
The Evil Dead. The original. The one Sam Raimi made for something like $29.99.
I saw this movie when it was first released with my college housemates. It was unrated. The theatre had 10 people in it, with 6 of them being from my house. I watched the entire flick peeking out from behind a college newspaper. It scared the bejeebus out of me.
Cut to my house later that night.
I had to sleep with the light on. As it happened, Albany NY experienced a 5.6 earthquake in the early hours. My entire room shook. I remember thinking that if my bed began levitating towards the ceiling, I was going to wet myself.
I remember when I was single and living alone in a brownstone apartment elsewhere in Brooklyn.
I bought a whole bunch of candy, put it in a big bowl and sat out on my stoop waiting to give it out to the young Trick-Or-Treaters.
Imagine my surprise when I saw a multitude of parents quickly usher their costumed offspring past the house with the young, single guy sitting on the stoop with a candy bowl on his lap.
And thus began my Halloween custom of eating an entire bowl of candy on my stoop on November 1.