“The reason I love whales so much is because they rarely ask to borrow money.”
Hey look, an eagle!
Why yes, I’m from Brooklyn. How did you know?
Solicitor: Hello Mr. [Mangled Attempt At My Last Name], my name is Sam and I am a paid solicitor with the Animal Defense Fund. How are you tonight?
Me: Better than some animals, I bet.
Solicitor: Exactly. First we’d like to thank you for all of your previous support. It has meant so much to us.
Me: Then why haven’t the animals written me any thank-you notes yet, too busy are they?
Solicitor: Um, I imagine so…ANYWAY, we have identified our greatest need and it involves the poaching of the majestic rhino—
Me: Sign me up! I’ll give whatever amount necessary to take the saucepans away from those scofflaws.
Me: Of course, you can’t rightly poach a rhino without a large enough saucepanHEY, DO I REALLY NEED TO BE TELLING YOU THIS AREN’T YOU A PAID PROFESSIONAL?
Solicitor: I’m sorry sir, my eyes rolled back and I lost consciousness for a second. So, you will give us a donation?
Me: Absolutely. What cards do you take?
Solicitor: Why all of them, of course.
Me: That might throw my finances for a loop, but what the hell, it’s for a good cause. I’ll send you all my cards.
Solicitor: No wait! That’s really not necessary!
Me: A minute ago you said it WAS necessary. Hey, is this call being recorded for quality purposes? Because if it is, you probably will not be happy with your performance review.
Solicitor: I’m not happy with a lot of things right now.
It only takes one commute on a crowded thoroughfare to make one’s mind turn to monkeys.
Sometimes I wonder exactly when it became de rigeur to equate bananas with monkey food. It sounds suspiciously like real good banana marketing to me. “Wanna be like a monkey (and who doesn’t)? Eat a banana.” In any event, it stands to reason that most monkeys do not suffer from potassium deficiency. I’m sure that this disappoints the makers of Gatorade® to no end.
Some people say that the great apes (as opposed to the mediocre ones) actually are as intelligent as humans. And yet, very few make it into our finest colleges. Even worse are the monkeys, who appear destined to fill only the lowest of low-paying jobs, such as flinging poo.
Genetically, we as humans are closest to the chimpanzees. Exceptions to this, however, include our elected officials, whose DNA is indistinguishable from the marmoset—a small, monkey-like creature prone to drinking its own urine.
There was a time when it was popular to dress chimpanzees in human clothes and have them perform in circuses and on TV. People marveled at how chimpanzees could be trained to perform. Chimpanzees, on the other hand, marveled at how humans could be trained to dress chimpanzees in human clothes.
You don’t see this too much anymore. I’m sure one of the chimps leaked out to his human “handler” what was really going on here.
To save you precious time and energy, I took the liberty of finding a picture of an echidna. As you can see, in spite of its intrinsic cuteness, it clearly is not a critter with which one would feel good about cuddling.
Which is exactly the sentiment my wife has about me after only a day or two of facial growth. Ah, the mighty echidna. Like me, so misunderstood.
Not a big ocelot, mind you. Just an average-sized one.
If I got an ocelot, I would feed him and take him for a walk and call him Larry. And while I was walking him, the neighbors would all say, “There goes Dave and his ocelot. Too bad about the name though.”
I guess the only negative thing about owning an ocelot is the fact that you have to buy all kinds of other pets just so that the poor thing has something to eat.
But no one said that owning an ocelot was going to be easy. Anyone could own a dog or a hamster or a hermit crab. No sir. Having an ocelot is some real hardcore pet-ting here.
Sorry. That was unfortunate.
You guys are not going to believe this, but male platypuses actually can shoot poison out of their back legs. Don’t take it on my word, read about it on Wikipedia.
The red circle indicates the poison-shooting mechanism. We should train these things to fight terrorists.
What gives with this beast?
It is mammal? Is it bird? Is it alien with superior intelligence? Are we in danger of inevitably giving ourselves over to our platypusian overlords?
Hard to say. This thing has boggled the greatest minds of science. Politicians constantly pander to them, unsure of their origin or attitudes towards larger government. I think all platypuses are Jewish, but I might be projecting.
One day, I was convinced that I found a platypus egg (yes, they lay eggs for Christ’s sake!). So, I brought it home and placed under a light for warmth. After about 2 weeks without hatching, I lifted it up and dropped it by mistake and M&Ms came out. This merely adds to the scientific mystery that platypuses have become.
Some* say that these godforsaken critters actually are prehistoric survivors. That makes platypuses very old and likely quite grouchy. Therefore, I probably would not choose to cross a platypus for fear that it would shoot me with death rays from its eyes**. I also imagine that their beaver-like tails are razor-edged and extremely dangerous. This would make them a bad animal on which to sneak up.
Let’s face it. Platypuses are indestructible. Probably why they have all survived since prehistoric times. I bet T-Rexes changed their direction when they caught a glimpse of one of these death-ray-shooting, razor-edged-tailed monsters.
I shiver just thinking about it. BRB, going to platypus-proof my house. Yeah, like that will help.
*- Well, I imagine some would say this.
**- Not verified by science.
Tortoises are such stupid animals.
My tortoise spends most of his day banging on his tank. For hours on end, particularly when I am with him in the basement. It’s almost as if he is daring me to try and stop him from all that incessant tank-banging. Every single day.
But I have this trick. All I do to get him to stop banging is give him some food. He starts to eat and forgets all about banging.
And he falls for it EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Tortoises are such stupid animals.