Well, here we go again…
Sorry. I have nothing if not time on my hands and it has got me thinking. Thinking about how the entire country, replete with the best-trained meteorologists money can buy, still puts their long-range forecast in the hands (paws?) of a portly, smelly rodent.
And the big irony here is that groundhogs are the least proficient underground-dwelling creatures when it comes to predicting the arrival of Spring (and remember folks, Spring arrives on March 20, despite what the critters say). But I digress.
Moles. That’s right, the tiny, blind mole with what looks like an open hand balanced on its nose is remarkably accurate at predicting weather trends. Remember the extremely high number of tornadoes hitting the midwest this Summer? The mole, Pittsburgh Paul, totally saw it coming. Now, if there was something called Mole Day, perhaps billions in property damage could have been averted.
Earthworms. Yes, those squishy things that look the same coming and going (and just where does the poop come out?) also are quite prescient weather-wise. The current drought in California? The earthworm, Eureka Eunice pointed its way years ago. Too bad that crow got to her first. Had that gone differently, perhaps celebrities would have avoided washing their Hummers during peak hours.
Pillbugs. Truth. The trilobite-looking, creepy-crawler has had a long history of correctly anticipating major changes in our atmosphere since, well, forever. Remember the Ice Age? Well, guess who came out of the ground to alert the people of the Great Western Hemisphere Land Mass of what was to come? Pillbugs, that’s who. Sadly, none of them were quaintly named because there were no cities or towns then. Or names, for that matter.
It took several weeks of intense negotiations, but I finally convinced my wife that it would be a good idea for us to buy an octopus.
As I explained to her, octopuses happen to be hypo-allergenic due to that fact that they have very little hair. In fact, they are often known to shave what little hair that does appear. A friend of mine has an octopus who routinely uses his Norelco razor without permission—which serves him right for not establishing clear boundaries with his pet. I mean, who does that?
On the other hand, it can be very difficult to find a proper car seat for an octopus, putting you at great risk of breaking several local traffic safety ordinances. One might be better served just sticking the damn thing on the windshield by its suction cups. Just be sure to keep the line of vision clear.
But once you work out the kinks, octopuses really do make great companions for the little ones. My friend’s kids (not THAT friend; my other friend has an octopus too) like to dress their octopus up as a squid. Boy, you can just imagine all the chuckles that brings about when the neighbors come over.
The reason I love whales so much is because they rarely ask to borrow money.
Solicitor: Hello Mr. [Mangled Attempt At My Last Name], my name is Sam and I am a paid solicitor with the Animal Defense Fund. How are you tonight?
Me: Better than some animals, I bet.
Solicitor: Exactly. First we’d like to thank you for all of your previous support. It has meant so much to us.
Me: Then why haven’t the animals written me any thank-you notes yet, too busy are they?
Solicitor: Um, I imagine so…ANYWAY, we have identified our greatest need and it involves the poaching of the majestic rhino—
Me: Sign me up! I’ll give whatever amount necessary to take the saucepans away from those scofflaws.
Me: Of course, you can’t rightly poach a rhino without a large enough saucepanHEY, DO I REALLY NEED TO BE TELLING YOU THIS AREN’T YOU A PAID PROFESSIONAL?
Solicitor: I’m sorry sir, my eyes rolled back and I lost consciousness for a second. So, you will give us a donation?
Me: Absolutely. What cards do you take?
Solicitor: Why all of them, of course.
Me: That might throw my finances for a loop, but what the hell, it’s for a good cause. I’ll send you all my cards.
Solicitor: No wait! That’s really not necessary!
Me: A minute ago you said it WAS necessary. Hey, is this call being recorded for quality purposes? Because if it is, you probably will not be happy with your performance review.
Solicitor: I’m not happy with a lot of things right now.