Groundhog Day

Well, here we go again…

Sorry. I have nothing if not time on my hands and it has got me thinking. Thinking about how the entire country, replete with the best-trained meteorologists money can buy, still puts their long-range forecast in the hands (paws?) of a portly, smelly rodent.

And the big irony here is that groundhogs are the least proficient underground-dwelling creatures when it comes to predicting the arrival of Spring (and remember folks, Spring arrives on March 20, despite what the critters say). But I digress.

Moles. That’s right, the tiny, blind mole with what looks like an open hand balanced on its nose is remarkably accurate at predicting weather trends. Remember the extremely high number of tornadoes hitting the midwest this Summer? The mole, Pittsburgh Paul, totally saw it coming. Now, if there was something called Mole Day, perhaps billions in property damage could have been averted.

Earthworms. Yes, those squishy things that look the same coming and going (and just where does the poop come out?) also are quite prescient weather-wise. The current drought in California? The earthworm, Eureka Eunice pointed its way years ago. Too bad that crow got to her first. Had that gone differently, perhaps celebrities would have avoided washing their Hummers during peak hours.

Pillbugs. Truth. The trilobite-looking, creepy-crawler has had a long history of correctly anticipating major changes in our atmosphere since, well, forever. Remember the Ice Age? Well, guess who came out of the ground to alert the people of the Great Western Hemisphere Land Mass of what was to come? Pillbugs, that’s who. Sadly, none of them were quaintly named because there were no cities or towns then. Or names, for that matter.

New Pet

It took several weeks of intense negotiations, but I finally convinced my wife that it would be a good idea for us to buy an octopus.

As I explained to her, octopuses happen to be hypo-allergenic due to that fact that they have very little hair. In fact, they are often known to shave what little hair that does appear. A friend of mine has an octopus who routinely uses his Norelco razor without permission—which serves him right for not establishing clear boundaries with his pet. I mean, who does that?

On the other hand, it can be very difficult to find a proper car seat for an octopus, putting you at great risk of breaking several local traffic safety ordinances. One might be better served just sticking the damn thing on the windshield by its suction cups. Just be sure to keep the line of vision clear.

But once you work out the kinks, octopuses really do make great companions for the little ones. My friend’s kids (not THAT friend; my other friend has an octopus too) like to dress their octopus up as a squid. Boy, you can just imagine all the chuckles that brings about when the neighbors come over.

terrisuewhocares
sonnetstockmar:

tentacritters:

11:03AM GMT 31 Oct 2008
 Staff believe that the octopus called Otto had been annoyed by the bright light shining into his aquarium and had discovered he could extinguish it by climbing onto the rim of his tank and squirting a jet of water in its direction. 
 The short-circuit had baffled electricians as well as staff at the Sea Star Aquarium in Coburg, Germany, who decided to take shifts sleeping on the floor to find out what caused the mysterious blackouts. 
 A spokesman said: “It was a serious matter because it shorted the electricity supply to the whole aquarium that threatened the lives of the other animals when water pumps ceased to work. 
 “It was on the third night that we found out that the octopus Otto was responsible for the chaos. 
 “We knew that he was bored as the aquarium is closed for winter, and at two feet, seven inches Otto had discovered he was big enough to swing onto the edge of his tank and shoot out the 2000 Watt spot light above him with a carefully directed jet of water.” 
 Director Elfriede Kummer who witnessed the act said: “We’ve put the light a bit higher now so he shouldn’t be able to reach it. But Otto is constantly craving for attention and always comes up with new stunts so we have realised we will have to keep more careful eye on him - and also perhaps give him a few more toys to play with. 
 “Once we saw him juggling the hermit crabs in his tank, another time he threw stones against the glass damaging it. And from time to time he completely re-arranges his tank to make it suit his own taste better - much to the distress of his fellow tank inhabitants.” 
This is one smart octopus.

No but for real though scientists have theorized that if the octopus had a longer life span, they would create underwater civilizations THAT IS HOW SMART THEY ARE

This one time, I copied all the answers to my geometry final from the octopus sitting next to me.

sonnetstockmar:

tentacritters:

11:03AM GMT 31 Oct 2008

Staff believe that the octopus called Otto had been annoyed by the bright light shining into his aquarium and had discovered he could extinguish it by climbing onto the rim of his tank and squirting a jet of water in its direction.

The short-circuit had baffled electricians as well as staff at the Sea Star Aquarium in Coburg, Germany, who decided to take shifts sleeping on the floor to find out what caused the mysterious blackouts.

A spokesman said: “It was a serious matter because it shorted the electricity supply to the whole aquarium that threatened the lives of the other animals when water pumps ceased to work.

“It was on the third night that we found out that the octopus Otto was responsible for the chaos.

“We knew that he was bored as the aquarium is closed for winter, and at two feet, seven inches Otto had discovered he was big enough to swing onto the edge of his tank and shoot out the 2000 Watt spot light above him with a carefully directed jet of water.”

Director Elfriede Kummer who witnessed the act said: “We’ve put the light a bit higher now so he shouldn’t be able to reach it. But Otto is constantly craving for attention and always comes up with new stunts so we have realised we will have to keep more careful eye on him - and also perhaps give him a few more toys to play with.

“Once we saw him juggling the hermit crabs in his tank, another time he threw stones against the glass damaging it. And from time to time he completely re-arranges his tank to make it suit his own taste better - much to the distress of his fellow tank inhabitants.”

This is one smart octopus.

No but for real though
scientists have theorized that if the octopus had a longer life span, they would create underwater civilizations THAT IS HOW SMART THEY ARE

This one time, I copied all the answers to my geometry final from the octopus sitting next to me.

The Solicitation

Phone: RING!!

Me: Hello?

Solicitor: Hello Mr. [Mangled Attempt At My Last Name], my name is Sam and I am a paid solicitor with the Animal Defense Fund. How are you tonight?

Me: Better than some animals, I bet.

Solicitor: Exactly. First we’d like to thank you for all of your previous support. It has meant so much to us.

Me: Then why haven’t the animals written me any thank-you notes yet, too busy are they?

Solicitor: Um, I imagine so…ANYWAY, we have identified our greatest need and it involves the poaching of the majestic rhino—

Me: Sign me up! I’ll give whatever amount necessary to take the saucepans away from those scofflaws.

Solicitor: Saucepans?

Me: Of course, you can’t rightly poach a rhino without a large enough saucepanHEY, DO I REALLY NEED TO BE TELLING YOU THIS AREN’T YOU A PAID PROFESSIONAL?

Solicitor: I’m sorry sir, my eyes rolled back and I lost consciousness for a second. So, you will give us a donation?

Me: Absolutely. What cards do you take?

Solicitor: Why all of them, of course.

Me: That might throw my finances for a loop, but what the hell, it’s for a good cause. I’ll send you all my cards.

Solicitor: No wait! That’s really not necessary!

Me: A minute ago you said it WAS necessary. Hey, is this call being recorded for quality purposes? Because if it is, you probably will not be happy with your performance review.

Solicitor: I’m not happy with a lot of things right now.

Simian Says

It only takes one commute on a crowded thoroughfare to make one’s mind turn to monkeys.

Sometimes I wonder exactly when it became de rigeur to equate bananas with monkey food. It sounds suspiciously like real good banana marketing to me. “Wanna be like a monkey (and who doesn’t)? Eat a banana.” In any event, it stands to reason that most monkeys do not suffer from potassium deficiency. I’m sure that this disappoints the makers of Gatorade® to no end.

Some people say that the great apes (as opposed to the mediocre ones) actually are as intelligent as humans. And yet, very few make it into our finest colleges. Even worse are the monkeys, who appear destined to fill only the lowest of low-paying jobs, such as flinging poo.

Genetically, we as humans are closest to the chimpanzees. Exceptions to this, however, include our elected officials, whose DNA is indistinguishable from the marmoset—a small, monkey-like creature prone to drinking its own urine.

There was a time when it was popular to dress chimpanzees in human clothes and have them perform in circuses and on TV. People marveled at how chimpanzees could be trained to perform. Chimpanzees, on the other hand, marveled at how humans could be trained to dress chimpanzees in human clothes.

You don’t see this too much anymore. I’m sure one of the chimps leaked out to his human “handler” what was really going on here.