My Resume

Intent: To obtain a high-paying, low-effort position at your company.

Negative Traits phrased as Positives: 

1. OCD—I will take forever while working on an assignment. I likely will never complete it, but there will be no errors (Note to self: delete and rewrite this.).

2. Inability to take direction—I am my own man, who refuses to do something simply because “supervisors” or “bosses” say I should do it.

3. Tendency to shout out inappropriate things at meetings—I prefer to frame this as being a free thinker, unfettered by traditional conventions, social mores or the penal code.

4. Poor personal time management—I sometimes come late to things—like my place of business—but only because I do my best thinking while asleep. Unfortunately, I do my worst remembering while awake.

Positive Traits:

1. Ability to get along with others—I typically engage in related behaviors throughout the work day. I do, however, forgo them so that I can eat lunch.

2. Excellent negotiation skills—I prefer to restructure my contract on a weekly basis. As you can imagine, this does take some time away from my primary responsibilities.

3. Internet savvy—This is pretty obvious, considering how much practice I get between the hours of 9am and 5pm.

4. Natural curiosity—Particularly concerning work-related topics such as vacation policy, bonuses and what the Office Manager and the Receptionist are always doing in the Copy Room together.

Work Experience:

1984-1990—Gained experience looking for work in both New York and New Jersey.

1990-1998—Gained experience looking for work in Pennsylvania and 2 other states not covered by the order of protection.

1998-date—Currently working for your direct competitor. Please don’t ask them for a recommendation as they don’t know I’m applying for this job. Just as well—they likely will not have too many nice things to say about me.

Schooling:

Graduate School—Masters Degree, Freebush Online Vniversity (The ‘V’ is from the Latin. Or Greek. I don’t remember, I failed “Classics”.).

Undergraduate—Associates Degree at Community, Bachelors Degree at Tech (after transferring from State).

High School—I don’t know how you can expect me to remember, considering how infrequently I attended.

Hobbies:

  • Making a lot of money
  • Spending a lot of money
  • Following my dreams
  • Using platitudes
  • Working towards world peace

References are available upon request and payment