My Resume

Intent: To obtain a high-paying, low-effort position at your company.

Negative Traits phrased as Positives: 

1. OCD—I will take forever while working on an assignment. I likely will never complete it, but there will be no errors (Note to self: delete and rewrite this.).

2. Inability to take direction—I am my own man, who refuses to do something simply because “supervisors” or “bosses” say I should do it.

3. Tendency to shout out inappropriate things at meetings—I prefer to frame this as being a free thinker, unfettered by traditional conventions, social mores or the penal code.

4. Poor personal time management—I sometimes come late to things—like my place of business—but only because I do my best thinking while asleep. Unfortunately, I do my worst remembering while awake.

Positive Traits:

1. Ability to get along with others—I typically engage in related behaviors throughout the work day. I do, however, forgo them so that I can eat lunch.

2. Excellent negotiation skills—I prefer to restructure my contract on a weekly basis. As you can imagine, this does take some time away from my primary responsibilities.

3. Internet savvy—This is pretty obvious, considering how much practice I get between the hours of 9am and 5pm.

4. Natural curiosity—Particularly concerning work-related topics such as vacation policy, bonuses and what the Office Manager and the Receptionist are always doing in the Copy Room together.

Work Experience:

1984-1990—Gained experience looking for work in both New York and New Jersey.

1990-1998—Gained experience looking for work in Pennsylvania and 2 other states not covered by the order of protection.

1998-date—Currently working for your direct competitor. Please don’t ask them for a recommendation as they don’t know I’m applying for this job. Just as well—they likely will not have too many nice things to say about me.


Graduate School—Masters Degree, Freebush Online Vniversity (The ‘V’ is from the Latin. Or Greek. I don’t remember, I failed “Classics”.).

Undergraduate—Associates Degree at Community, Bachelors Degree at Tech (after transferring from State).

High School—I don’t know how you can expect me to remember, considering how infrequently I attended.


  • Making a lot of money
  • Spending a lot of money
  • Following my dreams
  • Using platitudes
  • Working towards world peace

References are available upon request and payment