As luck would have it (I didn’t say GOOD luck), I was sliding down the cable TV channel guide when I happened upon the Jenny McCarthy Show. Being a self-proclaimed connoisseur of the dark underbelly of popular culture, I figured that I owed it to myself to watch this train wreck of a TV show. In retrospect, this is one debt I probably will never be able to repay.
Jenny sets herself up as a boozy Hollywood floozy who invites other entertainment bottom-feeders to drink and chat up the latest nonstories and rumors that we, apparently, just cannot get enough of during our other 11 waking hours. Also on the show are a DJ (dig that phat disc-scratching, yo) and a gaggle of young, mostly female dancers that double as her studio audience. The prerequisites for such a prestigious job is to look good in club ware (or, in a few cases, under-ware) and being able to go, “Oooooooo” when Jenny or her compadres say something SCANDALOUS. Which by VH-1 contractual stipulation has to be every 15 seconds or less.
Joining our charming hostess on this night is a relatively funny woman (stated by me as such to draw a clear distinction between her and Jenny) from another VH-1 show, “Your Best Week Ever”. Another VH-1 show? Where did they ever find her? Also on the panel is a refugee from “Mob Wives”, wearing the requisite uniform of straight, black-really-is-my-natural-color hair, stiletto boots, black leather pants and jacket (with designer-placed safety pins because PUNK came back “in” while the rest of us weren’t looking). Thankfully, her lips were appropriately over-cologened or maybe we wouldn’t have recognized her from the TV show that brought her fame, fortune and bimonthly conjugal visits at the local low-security penitentiary.
My favorite quote from this “celebrity” was, “These mob guys are good because they are devoted to family. What they do outside the home is not my concern.” Who said morality is dead? Hey, she might wear an oversized, diamond encrusted cross but Jesus was no snitch, you know.
Overall, there were 2 distinct, central bits during the half hour that actually felt like an eternity. The first was a round-robin party game in which Jenny and the aforementioned guests had to stuff marshmallows and later whipped cream into their mouths after naming things from a given category. Fortunately, both versions gave the intrepid Jenny an opportunity to make the same “just another Friday night for me” joke as white stuff dribbled out from the corners of her lips. I love edgy humor that may or may not have sexual overtones, don’t you?
The second was Jenny’s interview with the Mob Wife, with both ladies laying on some pillows, faces practically touching and sucking on red Blow-pops. I think there were some allusions to sex there as well, but I cannot be sure. Perhaps the tipoff came when Jenny asked the Mob Wife if she ever was with another woman. Of course the latter said, “No!” (hey, Jesus was no lesbian either). Jenny countered by saying, “It’s just that sometimes women are yummy.”
After the show was over, and my apoplectic fit had subsided, I decided to make a short list of the things I could have done with the 30 minutes of my life that I unfortunately will never get back.
1. Gone to sleep at a reasonable hour for a 50-year-old.
2. Googled Jenny McCarthy autism-vaccination speeches for a real laugh.
3. Gone through my house and thrown out all red Blow-pops.
4. Called Jenny McCarthy at home. After all, it was just another Friday night for her.