Solicitor: Hello Mr. [Mangled Attempt At My Last Name], my name is Sam and I am a paid solicitor with the Animal Defense Fund. How are you tonight?
Me: Better than some animals, I bet.
Solicitor: Exactly. First we’d like to thank you for all of your previous support. It has meant so much to us.
Me: Then why haven’t the animals written me any thank-you notes yet, too busy are they?
Solicitor: Um, I imagine so…ANYWAY, we have identified our greatest need and it involves the poaching of the majestic rhino—
Me: Sign me up! I’ll give whatever amount necessary to take the saucepans away from those scofflaws.
Me: Of course, you can’t rightly poach a rhino without a large enough saucepanHEY, DO I REALLY NEED TO BE TELLING YOU THIS AREN’T YOU A PAID PROFESSIONAL?
Solicitor: I’m sorry sir, my eyes rolled back and I lost consciousness for a second. So, you will give us a donation?
Me: Absolutely. What cards do you take?
Solicitor: Why all of them, of course.
Me: That might throw my finances for a loop, but what the hell, it’s for a good cause. I’ll send you all my cards.
Solicitor: No wait! That’s really not necessary!
Me: A minute ago you said it WAS necessary. Hey, is this call being recorded for quality purposes? Because if it is, you probably will not be happy with your performance review.
Solicitor: I’m not happy with a lot of things right now.