Donald Trump

There was time when Donald Trump was just another billionaire land-developer with a slightly larger-than-average sense of self-importance. Oh sure, he named airplanes and skyscrapers after himself. But let’s be fair, who else was he going to name them after?

And yes, Donald Trump had a small succession of blonde wives. The first was fond of calling him ‘THE Donald’, which apparently started one of the more annoying habits on Twitter. But soon enough, this woman had some miles put on her and it was time for a new one.

His second blonde wife did not refer to him as THE Donald, which no doubt ultimately doomed her to obscurity. Now, Donald Trump is married to some woman with dark hair, who bore him a son—a mere 50 years or so younger than the baby’s own half-brother.

However, somewhere along the line THE Donald began ingesting psychedelic mushrooms and bought into the idea that he was a TV personality. He hosted a show where he parcelled out ridiculous assignments to a combination of nobodys, has-beens and wannabees and then subsequently fired them. Apparently, America fell in love with unemployment and tuned in, in droves.

After that, he began sniffing oven-cleaner fumes, which had him believing that he had morphed into some kind of political playmaker. Too bad that various (Republican) candidates saw him as a blobby, well-filled money-bag, or perhaps THE Donald would have slipped into obscurity like Blonde Wife #2. But as more candidates, pundits and partisan news shows allowed him access, THE Donald began actually thinking that the gaseous clouds emanating from his mouth contained a measure of relevance.

Which brings us to today. Now don’t get me wrong, I am proud to reside the United States of Trump. I have even begun to style my hair like his, using a combination of a small nest of blonde-dyed marmots and a military turbine. But I still miss the days when he was only a billionaire land-developer with a slightly larger-than-average sense of self-importance. It made him seem more—can I say—human?

No? Well nevermind then.