You can pick your friends. You can pick your nose. But you can’t pick your friend’s nose—except if you’re at the plastic surgeon for rhinoplasty and your friend is Brad Pitt.
It took several weeks of intense negotiations, but I finally convinced my wife that it would be a good idea for us to buy an octopus.
As I explained to her, octopuses happen to be hypo-allergenic due to that fact that they have very little hair. In fact, they are often known to shave what little hair that does appear. A friend of mine has an octopus who routinely uses his Norelco razor without permission—which serves him right for not establishing clear boundaries with his pet. I mean, who does that?
On the other hand, it can be very difficult to find a proper car seat for an octopus, putting you at great risk of breaking several local traffic safety ordinances. One might be better served just sticking the damn thing on the windshield by its suction cups. Just be sure to keep the line of vision clear.
But once you work out the kinks, octopuses really do make great companions for the little ones. My friend’s kids (not THAT friend; my other friend has an octopus too) like to dress their octopus up as a squid. Boy, you can just imagine all the chuckles that brings about when the neighbors come over.
I have written the National Football League (NFL) and proposed a rule change. Whenever the New York Giants play, I think the 2-minute warning should be expanded to a full 60 minutes so that I can know to change the channel and watch something else entirely.
You really can’t beat 85° in October. And do you know why? One word…mosquitoes.
That’s right. In fact, I was just thinking to myself yesterday, “You know, I really do have too much blood in my body. And I really haven’t scratched in earnest in weeks. If only there was a way to rectify that.”
So if you’re like me and can’t get enough of blood-sucking parasites in your life, then you need Indian Summer.
Because cool, crisp weather, colorful foliage and cozy sweaters are soooo overrated.