Ahhh, 60-Degree Christmas I Love You

I’m in my shorts and tank-top, snuggling up with my family under the blanket, except we are not actually touching each other due to the sweat involved and the blanket is actually one of those fans attached to a water bottle.

We sing Christmas carols with our hands cradling mugs of hot chocolate, chilled to perfection. I cannot bite through the marshmallow floating within due to the fact that it is still frozen. I must remember to call the dentist right after the holidays.

Since we do not have a fireplace, we replicate that coziness by having our TV perpetually tuned to the Nature Channel, where we watch video loops of glaciers falling into the Bering Sea.

Outside, one of our neighbors takes their annual ride in a sleigh down our lane. Sadly, the ensuing friction of the metal blades against the dry pavement caused the entire thing to combust into a tower of flames.

Smells like barbecue. Oh, and frankincense.

rsmallbone

rsmallbone:

Piskies
Nobody said you can’t do that with the candy canes. Just wipe them down with Lysol before you put them back on the tree.

Arteries
You have to stop putting fucking gingerbread in everything.

Germini
You’ve been so bad this year that the fire you light with the coal you get from Santa…

Presented without further comment.

brilliantorange

As best I can tell, these are the opening lyrics to the Rolling Stones’ “Tumbling Dice”

brilliantorange:

heypa deepa pessen alla kinda wessen

makey finda damla maaaaan

baby baby

donut canoe kinda fraaan

ohna kin wammen lodon GAMBLERS

heetin ahna gono ahair

baby crayfy

feena ahna koona grau

slodan retchin bunnow beeh fechin

doncha no adoos is sill while

baby im inna stay

YOU GOT TO THROW OW OW ME

THROW ME THE TUMBLING DICE

I knew it!

It Happened This Morning

It was a morning like any other. I was eating my cereal and drinking my coffee while reading the latest news on my beautiful tablet computer. When all of a sudden, I coughed up a combination of cereal and coffee all over the table and my beautiful tablet computer.

Just thought I would share this little slice of my life with all of you before the unfollowing begins.