Serious Thinks Thought Here

In a nod to Anne Rice, I decided to write my own gothic novel, “Interview With The Zombie”.

Here’s an excerpt:

Brouchard: I do so love you so very, very much.

Abigail (Zombie): Gnnnfff.

(available wherever fine, gothic novels are returned unread)

Sam Cavanaugh, Easter Egg Coloring Champion, was so good at his craft that he could color eggs without having to wait for the chicken to lay them first.

In spite of the obvious difficulty of this feat, there were very few high fives given when he received his award.

What is it about children? When they are young, you take great pains to make sure that they know right from wrong, treat people fairly and develop a sense of responsibility—all to ensure that they never will make a mistake in the future. And then they get older and ruin everything.

Some people are of ill temperament and I cannot stand them.

Many of you gentile folk (and even a couple of you closet Jews) are completely mystified by the ancient tradition of the Passover Seder.

What happens during the Seder?

What mystical artifacts are required for the ceremony?

Where do I buy lamb’s blood for the doorway?

Well, I can de-mystify most of these things right here and now. Except the lamb’s blood question. That’s just creepy.

Taken in reverse order, here are the necessary supplies for conducting your basic seder version (not the PRO version; that requires payment through an active Paypal account).

1. Wine.
2. Lettuce
3. Matzoh (or cardboard; it’s your call)
4. Horseradish (or horses or radishes)
5. A mixture of nuts and sweet, red wine to mimic mortar (It actually tastes sweeter than mortar, if memory serves)
6. Saltwater
7. Plagues

Now that you have your supplies, IT’S SEDER TIME!

1. Fill the wine glasses. Something, something biblical tradition. Drink the wine.

2. Wash your hands. Sing “Happy Birthday” twice in Aramaic to make sure you are germ-free.

3. Dip some lettuce into the saltwater solution. This is the culinary high-point of the Seder, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

4. Recount the ancient story of Charlton Heston and Yul Brenner and a cast of thousands.

5. Inflict plagues onto your family members at the table (my favorite part, by the way).

6. Drink some wine. Is it getting warm in here or what?

7. Break off a piece of matzoh to save for dessert (I kid you not).

8. Eat some matzoh with horseradish and mortar. BAM! Horseradish!

9. Eat some matzoh with only horseradish. Then, pick up your sinuses off the floor.

10. Wash your hands again and feel like a serial killer.

11. Eat the Passover meal. Who has room with all that delicious horseradish burning its way through your gastrointestinal tract?

12. Eat the matzoh you saved for dessert. What, some kids hid it and demand money for its return?. Screw it, it tastes like crap anyway.

13. Pour more wine. Drink more wine. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

14. Shling some hebrew shongs. No really, it’s getting quite warm in here.

15. Something, something I don’t remember right now. So how you doin’?

16. Another glass of wine? Don’t mind if I do. Um…I don’t feel so good.

17. Promise to convert frequent flyer miles and meet in Jerusalem next year or when airfares are slashed.

18. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.