- Cop: Is that liquor I smell?
- Me: Yes, officer.
- Cop: License, please.
- Me: I just drank it, officer, I didn't sell it.
Prospective contestants on Wheel Of Fortune have to take a written test. If you know to use the pointy end of the pencil to do your writing, you’re disqualified.
Threw a whole bag of salt on the sidewalk to melt the snow and ice. Had I thought to take it out of the bag FIRST perhaps I wouldn’t have crushed poor Mrs. Wilkerson.
I’ve never been one to make a big deal about implementing a new desk calendar. For me, each year is an unequal mix of the good, the bad and the ugly and 2013 was no different. 2014 probably will be no different either (too? - who knows, grammar is hard).
So, I finally decided to completely eliminate all the New Year’s jazz in my little corner of the universe. As a result, I had to alter some of my social scripts. For example,
Bank Teller: Here’s your money, Mr. Leibowitz. And in small, unmarked bills just like you asked.
Me: Thank you.
Bank Teller: Happy New Year!
Me: And a Happy Wednesday to you, too!
Currently, my extreme attitude towards New Year’s has yet to catch on with the general public, but I am hoping that people will eventually become accustomed to it over time. I’m not so sure what I will do when New Year’s falls on something other than a Wednesday, however, but I believe I have time to work that out.
I don’t know if you follow these kind of things, but every year at this time, the chuckleheads at Tumblr create a list of Most Notable Tumblrs of the year.
I’m not surprised to see a large smattering of celebrity blogs on the list. After all, I do need to delude myself into thinking that celebrities want to form a real connection with me. Or even that the celebrities manage their own blogs at all. But what the heck, I still believe in Santa Claus and I’m Jewish.
Also expected are the art, photo and fashion blogs. And to that I give a resounding, MEH. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the talent, it’s just that I have so little of it myself.
But what seems to be missing every year are the sloppy, poorly organized and mildly entertaining (in a car-wreck sorta way) Tumblrs of schmos like you and me. Especially me. Which brings me to the much-delayed point of this whole thing…
I NEVER MAKE THIS DAMN LIST. I mean, I update my blog with the perfect formula of regularity (that is, often enough to remind you of my continuing presence, infrequently enough not to remind you of your geeky, younger brother). My posts are comprised of a focus group-approved combination of words, pictures, videos and music to ensure proper synergy but not overwhelm your senses. If you think this is easy, YOU find and pay a blog consultant like I do.
I’m beginning to think that a refund is in order.
1. 1 note: That festering blister selfie.
2. 0 notes: My rejected review of Depends™ adult diapers.
3. - 6 notes: The complete collection of mash notes I wrote to Ann Coulter (call me).
4. Nevermind, I didn’t even have the nerve to post it.
Created by the Worst Of Tumblr Generator.