Here is how my 85-year-old mother-in-law spends a typical day: First, she goes out onto the back porch. Then, for some reason 10 minutes later, she walks through the house and goes onto the front stoop. A few minutes later, she walks through the house and returns to the back porch. After a few more minutes, she again leaves the back porch, walks through the house and makes yet another appearance on the front stoop.

It’s like watching a ping pong match with the oldest ball ever.

While Watching "The Insider" Last Night

  • TV: We now turn to our 'Sex Expert' [name forgotten] for insight on this important Hollywood story...
  • Me (to wife): What makes someone a "sex expert"? I mean, did she just have a lot of sex? I've had a lot of sex over the years, maybe I can become a sex expert.
  • Wife: *giggles*
  • Me: Maybe she's particularly good at sex. I think I'm particularly good at sex. I really think I can become a sex expert. You know, I've been looking for something to do after I retire in a few years.
  • Wife: Then it's a good thing you have a generous pension plan.
  • Me: I'll show you my "generous pension plan".
  • Wife: Not too expert-y right there, pal.

World Cup Madness

So, yesterday I was watching the England vs. Italy match but for some reason I was watching it on Italian TV. Now, I really don’t know much Italian besides what I can order in a restaurant, but that’s what I was doing.

In reality, it kinda added to the the experience, being an international event and all that. And let’s be truthful, if I heard the play-by-play on British TV, I probably would have understand the commentary about the same (Really chaps, you call what you speak English?).

While watching the telecast, it occurred to me that the frequent “downtime” in a soccer match (i.e., those minutes in between attacks on the goal and writhing around on the field with some faux injury) gives sportscasters ample time to talk about other things. Interestingly, the Italian commentators spoke with the same frenetic pace during those in between moments as they did when a shot on-goal was imminent.

As I said previously, I speak very little Italian so I cannot say for sure what the announcers were chatting about during these moments. I imagined that one of them was relating to the other the particulars of a recent family vacation. I will reprint the translation here, but to achieve the proper effect, read it aloud as quickly as you can, with increased pacing and pitch until you arrive at the end in an almost orgasmic frenzy…

"Yes Gianni the famiglia and I did go to Tuscany this past week we stayed in one of those villas belonging to the network and I nearly ate my weight in salami and cheese and the kids were acting all like brats saying ‘Papa we don’t want any more salami we want gelato’ so we drove all over the countryside looking for a friggin’ Gelato stand and after 2 hours we finally saw one in the distance and the kids began screaming in my ears and we pulled in hoping it would be open on a Sunday but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! "