PBS Fundraising Special

Scott: Hey, music fans! I’m Scott and I know that you love PBS’s dedication to good music and want PBS to continue to bring you the best performances. So that’s why we’re airing an encore presentation of one of our board of directors’ favorites: “Headbangers and Proto-Punks!

And to help me talk about this wonderful encore presentation is the lead singer of the Flaming As*holes, Trevor Phlegminski. Trevor, how are you tonight?

Trevor: Blerg.

Scott: Right. I can see you’re as excited as I am about this special. And who can blame you, with favorites like “I Want To Be Your Dog" by Iggy and the Stooges. You know, it’s on our companion CD, "Headbangers and Proto-Punks!" which new and old members can receive with a $100 donation.

Trevor: Iggy bites.

Scott: You bet he does. The drummer, the girl in the first row — all in “Headbangers and Proto-Punks!" But that’s not all you get. For a $150 donation, you can also receive a replica of Lemmy Kilmister’s mustache made out of real human hair (source unknown)!

Trevor: ANARCHY MOTHERF*CKERS!

Scott: Couldn’t have said it any better myself. But before Trevor and I take you back to The New York Dolls’ classic performance of “Shoot That Heroin Right Through My Heart, Baby" on "Headbangers and Proto-Punks!”, we just want to remind you that even a $25 dollar contribution can help PBS in their never ending quest to bring you the best in musical performances—or spring Wayne Kramer from jail, whichever is more pressing.

And now, Trevor, what can you tell us about The Dolls?

Trevor: I want to cut you.

Scott: Right.

Comparison Shopping

Well, there I was. Off from work for a week and with a few hours to kill on a Tuesday. So, I decided to go casket-shopping. It’s one of those activities that you cannot wait to do when the need arises.

You might be surprised at the range of features and prices of caskets nowadays. I remember back in the 80s, when you might have had 3 or 4 models from which to choose in the funeral home “showroom”. Not the case anymore. In fact, I found less options and packages while shopping recently for a Toyota minivan.

I also learned that caskets are more than just a vessel for your rotting flesh. They are supposed to reflect the lifestyle in which you lived, or more accurately, the lifestyle in which you wished you lived. That’s right, you may have led a simple, spartan life while you were alive, but there’s no reason you cannot emulate an Egyptian pharaoh after you kick the bucket.

To that end, I present my top 3 choices for caskets (along with the verbatim copy from the funeral home catalog):

1. The Eldorado - Leave this word in style and opulence! Make your friends and enemies jealous with this sumptuous body-box! Your pall-bearers will gasp in awe as they grab onto solid gold handles, double-reinforced to prevent accidental dissembly and the subsequent humiliation that comes with crashing to the floor and spilling out onto the feet of your mourners. Also fully lined with cushy bunting to make your ascension to the pearly gates as comfy as possible. Remember, it’s not just the destination, it’s also the ride! Only $30,000.

2. The Arcadia - So, you’re not the outdoorsy type. In fact, fresh air gives you the hives. But that’s no reason to forego this all-terrain casket that just screams, "I wrestle bears in my spare time!" Made from gnarled mahogany, this full-sized beast of a casket weighs in at a massive 300lbs. requiring only the burliest of pall-bearers to carry it past your loved ones and into that SUV hearse you had to rent. And don’t forget, each of our Arcadia caskets are manufactured in the good ol’ USA by registered Libertarians and gun-lovers. A steal at $27,000.

3. The Porsche - Were you safe, conservative and pokey in life? Well, be fast and furious in death!Aerodynamically designed and crafted, this casket is built to move! And its interior can be had in “speeding-ticket red” or “midnight-rendezvous black”, the latter being particularly slimming for you full-figured cadavers. Other details include polished chrome hinges and handles, and at an additional cost, a racing stripe down the top. Mmmmm, racy! These bad boys are literally flying out of the showroom at a very reasonable $42,000.