August 29, 2009 -
- I just washed my feet in a McDonald’s sink.
It’s all uphill from here.
@thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 88
- "And what’s in the shed?"
"Sex slave I’ve held in there for almost twenty years."
"… Sorry! Got a text. What was that again?"
@sween (Jason Sweeney) – 59
#18 - Ahhh, the memories.
First, let’s eliminate Saturday for obvious reasons. And Sunday? Well, sometimes Sunday night can be a bummer but we really can’t penalize a full day off for just a few hours at the end, can we?
Friday is pretty cool and Thursday brings the promise of Friday, so those two are off the list.
This leaves us with Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Wednesday is the middle of the week—Hump Day—which signals that you have somehow survived the first half. In my opinion, this places Wednesday in the “good pile” with both Thursday and Friday. Half-full days, if you will.
Now we are down to Monday and Tuesday. Monday gets all the hype for being crappy, first day of the work week, etc. But it does have a certain notoriety, celebrated in countless laments, jokes and even songs.
Tuesday on the other hand, is also at the beginning of the work week but lacks that level of celebrity. It. Just. Plain. Sucks. What does Tuesday have going for it? That it’s isn’t Monday? Right, and Stalin wasn’t Hitler. The promise of Wednesday? Woo hoo, tomorrow is the middle of the week.
No, Tuesday exists in its own lonely little hell that it agrees to share with us every 7 days or so thanks a lot screw you Tuesday.
Just playing another scintillating game of IKEA Tetris™.
Please, for the love of God, will you UK boy and pop bands stop wearing t-shirts (ripped or otherwise unripped, but especially ripped) that say "Brooklyn" on the front?
It’s making my hair itch.
A hard rain’s gonna fall.
"So Dave, have you turned on Anons?"
"I’m sure I’ve excited a few."
OK. First you look quizzingly at your phone while it rings for almost an eternity.
"How do I silence the ringer?"
“How do I answer this godforsaken thing?”
Then you proceed to carry out a loud, prolonged conversation with the calling party. Too bad your phone obscured your vision to the point where you could not see the sign asking everyone to refrain from cell phone use in the waiting room.
I hope your MRI sucks out all the metal fillings in your teeth have a nice day.
Here is how my 85-year-old mother-in-law spends a typical day: First, she goes out onto the back porch. Then, for some reason 10 minutes later, she walks through the house and goes onto the front stoop. A few minutes later, she walks through the house and returns to the back porch. After a few more minutes, she again leaves the back porch, walks through the house and makes yet another appearance on the front stoop.
It’s like watching a ping pong match with the oldest ball ever.
I’m at the mall with my wife and daughter and I’ve never felt more alone in my life.