Oh, yes. I am the jolly sort.
Currently preparing a list of all the historical inaccuracies contained in that “documentary”, Cowboys And Aliens.
Native Americans and white folk working side-by-side for a common purpose in the Old West? Oh. Come. On.
Well, there I was. Off from work for a week and with a few hours to kill on a Tuesday. So, I decided to go casket-shopping. It’s one of those activities that you cannot wait to do when the need arises.
You might be surprised at the range of features and prices of caskets nowadays. I remember back in the 80s, when you might have had 3 or 4 models from which to choose in the funeral home “showroom”. Not the case anymore. In fact, I found less options and packages while shopping recently for a Toyota minivan.
I also learned that caskets are more than just a vessel for your rotting flesh. They are supposed to reflect the lifestyle in which you lived, or more accurately, the lifestyle in which you wished you lived. That’s right, you may have led a simple, spartan life while you were alive, but there’s no reason you cannot emulate an Egyptian pharaoh after you kick the bucket.
To that end, I present my top 3 choices for caskets (along with the verbatim copy from the funeral home catalog):
1. The Eldorado - Leave this word in style and opulence! Make your friends and enemies jealous with this sumptuous body-box! Your pall-bearers will gasp in awe as they grab onto solid gold handles, double-reinforced to prevent accidental dissembly and the subsequent humiliation that comes with crashing to the floor and spilling out onto the feet of your mourners. Also fully lined with cushy bunting to make your ascension to the pearly gates as comfy as possible. Remember, it’s not just the destination, it’s also the ride! Only $30,000.
2. The Arcadia - So, you’re not the outdoorsy type. In fact, fresh air gives you the hives. But that’s no reason to forego this all-terrain casket that just screams, "I wrestle bears in my spare time!" Made from gnarled mahogany, this full-sized beast of a casket weighs in at a massive 300lbs. requiring only the burliest of pall-bearers to carry it past your loved ones and into that SUV hearse you had to rent. And don’t forget, each of our Arcadia caskets are manufactured in the good ol’ USA by registered Libertarians and gun-lovers. A steal at $27,000.
3. The Porsche - Were you safe, conservative and pokey in life? Well, be fast and furious in death!Aerodynamically designed and crafted, this casket is built to move! And its interior can be had in “speeding-ticket red” or “midnight-rendezvous black”, the latter being particularly slimming for you full-figured cadavers. Other details include polished chrome hinges and handles, and at an additional cost, a racing stripe down the top. Mmmmm, racy! These bad boys are literally flying out of the showroom at a very reasonable $42,000.
I am at the dealership service department with my car again. I don’t want to say I’ve been here a lot, but one service associate recently named her baby after me and another just asked how my colonoscopy went.
I planted my shovel in the snow because I ran out of white flags to wave.
Anybody have a spare couch? One night only.
I fell in love…
When I was a kid, all of my friends were into The Hulk, Spiderman, The Human Torch, various X-men. But I had to be different. I had to find a superhero no one else liked to call my own. So, I settled on Doctor Strange.
I knew a little about Doctor Strange from the Defenders comic book series. He seemed a little square for a superhero, and probably was the first to possess an AARP card. But then again, he was pretty cool with The Hulk and the others so I figured, how bad could the guy be?
I remember going to the drug store one Saturday, hellbent on buying myself my first Doctor Strange “solo” comic. I had already shot my mouth off to the other kids in school a little prematurely, stating that Doctor Strange had the best superpowers and could probably defeat all their favorite superheroes with his occult-y magic, and so on.
So, when I got home, I went straight up to my room and began to read. And to tell you the truth...I didn’t understand a single damn thing that was going on in the comic. And there’s a good reason I found it so incomprehensible…
I was too young to take acid. The entire plot line clearly was written under the influence of LSD and represented the supreme. bad. trip. I threw the comic away and spent the rest of the weekend devising some cockamamie reason for dumping Doctor Strange as my favorite superhero and adopting that pompous shmuck, Submariner.
Hey, he’s got little wings on his ankles. Isn’t that the coolest?
Worst Winter Olympic sport ever.
I played my Facebook…