May 2012
1 tag
1 tag
Today's List
6 Superheroes Not Granted Membership Into The Avengers:
1. Catheter Man
2. The Accountant
3. Superflab
4. The Kolonic Kid
5. Mother-In-Law Man
6. Castrato
3 tags
1 tag
1 tag
2 tags
3 tags
2 tags
Brief Chat With Teenage Daughter
Daughter: There was a bug in the kitchen last night.
Me: (unimpressed) Um hm.
Daughter: So I threw a Post-It pad at it.
Me: In the hopes of what? Killing it while it was busy writing you a memo?
1 tag
1 tag
A Question For The Ladies
I was driving home after work when I must have swallowed some pollen or something.
Anyway, I happen to be very allergic to pollen or something and I began to cough. Now, this was not your typical cough. No. My chest and arms and face began to tighten as I violently tried to jettison the foreign substance in my body.
And then came tears. And the cursing. And sweating. And more tightening,...
2 tags
Project
Tonight will be the night that I swap my winter and summer clothes.
Why did I wait so long? I am never confident that the weather will stay warm. There’s nothing worse than being on your way to work on a chilly mid-May morning and realizing that you are inappropriately dressed in your 2-piece bathing suit.
1 tag
1 tag
A Tour Of Dave's Brain
Some of you have inquired about what might be going on in my head. OK, maybe it was more of an accusation. In either case, I’ve decided to let you in on one of nature’s true oddities. My mind.
Imagine a pea. It can either be cooked or raw. Or dried, it really doesn’t matter. It’s not literally a pea. The pea stands for an idea. Got it?
Now imagine my head as being the...
2 tags
1 tag
1 tag
O Mother, Where Art Thou
I don’t get it. Ours started as a patriarchal society. George Washington was not known as the “Mother Of Our Country”. And I defy you to tell me who the Founding Mothers were.
And yet, Father’s Day is merely an afterthought. A veritable bone thrown to us Dads by the greeting card companies.
Sure, you mothers squirted all of us out during childbirth. And you risked...
2 tags
Freshman Profile
Me: I can't believe you lied on your profile. You checked off "neat".
Daughter: I don't want to have a slob as a roommate.
Me: That's what your future roommate is thinking right at this moment, too.
2 tags
1 tag
1 tag
The Last Word
I deplore public breastfeeding.
You people, feed your breasts at home!
1 tag
Newsflash
The word “gay” was banned in North Carolina. Now, during Christmas, they will only don their everyday apparel.
zerovalent asked: You are officially invited to the May Breakfast, as long as you introduce yourself to everyone as my publicist.
1 tag
Typical Conversation With My Wife
Wife: You can start the grill whenever you want.
Me: Can I wait 10 minutes, then?
Wife: Then I would have to take the broccoli out of the pot. And I just put it in.
Me: Then it's not "whenever I want". It's now, isn't it?
Wife: (grumble, grumble)
Me: (grumble, grumble)
1 tag
1 tag
On The Park Bench
Me: Hello again, Old Timer.
Old Timer: Hello again, Young Feller. You know, that technology stuff is moving so fast I can barely keep up.
Me: Tell me about it.
Old Timer: Why, before you know it, they'll be making telephone calls with little boxes you can hold in your hand. EVEN OUTSIDE.
Me: You mean cell phones?
Old Timer: Well that's a silly name for 'em, but sure, why not?
Me: Is that it? I come here to sit with you every day to hear the wisdom of the ages.
Old Timer: I could have saved you some time, then. There is none.
almostfancy asked: YES!!!!
1 tag
Explanations
Today, a friend of mine explained to me that reality shows are a legitimate way to market one’s brand prior to or while one is launching various business ventures.
I explained to him that he was no longer my friend.
1 tag
Anaconda Jones
When I was growing up on the hardscrabble streets of Brooklyn, USA, I knew a kid they called Anaconda Jones.
Now, Jones was long and thin. But that’s not why they called him Anaconda. He also liked to hug. But that’s not why they called him Anaconda either.
Nope, they called him Anaconda because he could unhinge his bottom jaw and swallow large objects whole. A dozen hard boiled eggs. A...
1 tag
Brief Chat With My Wife
Me: "Nothing's better than feta." Perhaps I should quit my job and work for the Cheese Board.
Wife: There's a Cheese Board?
Me: Better be. Because I already quit my job.
April 2012
1 tag
High Finance
They required a money order.
“Fine,” I said, “I’ll take a whole bunch.”
Then I quit my job so that I can be home to accept the delivery.
It never came.
1 tag
2 tags
1 tag
1 tag
What Serious Minds Do On Their Days Off
Today, I am going to get a haircut, which may be the most mindless activity a person can do. In fact, I am a little embarrassed even calling it an activity, since I likely will remain inert during the entire process (or risk losing an ear or something).
The only real mindful part of this event is the choosing of the hairstyle at the very outset, which is important since once the barber starts...
2 tags
1 tag
1 tag
1 tag
On High Stakes Testing
I kid about the subject, but high stakes testing is no joking matter. This is the way our country decides who shall go to college and who shall be forced to spend their lives mining unobtainium 2 1/2 miles below the surface of the earth.
But in spite of its importance (this unobtainium isn’t going to mine itself, you know), high stakes testing is not without its share of controversy....
1 tag
1 tag
♬Let's Get Political ♬
Seeing that this is primarily a political blog (What?) , I feel I owe my readers a post on the Republican primary in my state.
Mitt Romney has been cast as the frontrunner in this race and I cannot think of a better reason to vote for someone. I mean, I’ve read up on his positions and I must admit that I really don’t understand exactly what he is for or against. So, I thought about...
2 tags
Identity Crisis
Yesterday, I received a new credit card. I didn’t request it. It was just sent to me because “[my] account likely was compromised on a retailer’s database.”
Did you hear? I had been compromised. I feel like I need to take a shower and then have my statement taken by the detectives of SVU.
So now I have a new card. My old card and account was summarily canceled. All those carefully...
2 tags
3 tags
2 tags
Self Assessment (part 2 in a hopefully limited...
Today, I decided to take a stroll down Tumblr Memory Lane; in other words, browse through previous posts based on specific tags and such. While doing so, I came to a heinous conclusion:
I typically recycle my own ideas.
That’s right, I can be accurately accused of self-plagiarism. Ideas, themes, and even entire phrases have been lifted word-by-word only to find themselves in subsequent...
3 tags
1 tag
The Continuing Adventures of Hip Flexor, State...
As we join our hero, we find him engaged in the most heroic of hero duties; that is, filling out the requisite paperwork for third-party reimbursement.
But then there’s a knock on the door…
“Come in, ” says our hero in characteristically heroic fashion.
“Mr. Flexor? My name is…um…Jones. Steve Jones. I was referred here by my doctor due to injuries sustained as a result of a recent, freak...
1 tag
Comedy Is So Violent
“He bombed last night.”
“She killed.”
“He died.”
“You slay me.”
“She tased me between the eyes when she thought I touched her butt on the crowded train.”
Um, that was yesterday. Please disregard.
1 tag
1 tag
