It was a morning like any other. I was eating my cereal and drinking my coffee while reading the latest news on my beautiful tablet computer. When all of a sudden, I coughed up a combination of cereal and coffee all over the table and my beautiful tablet computer.
Just thought I would share this little slice of my life with all of you before the unfollowing begins.
That’s what I call my Costco visit the Saturday before Thanksgiving. But I’ve studied the martial arts and am well versed in self-defense. So I’m not afraid of a crowded shopping experience.
Or am I?
I knew I was in trouble when I first attempted to pull into the parking lot. Have you ever seen a demolition derby with cars wheeling around in random directions? What about shoppers diving for safety like Rodeo clowns? As for me, I actually was glad to have 2 tons of steel separating me from the rest of the crazed morons thinking we can actually get some shopping done today.
The experience inside the store was remarkably similar to the aforementioned experience in the parking lot. Except for the lack of motorized vehicles (unless you count people in motorized shopping carts…and you should). I don’t know what it is, but Costco shopping causes me to undergo some kind of reverse evolution where I revert to a more primitive form. I actually found myself intentionally crashing my cart into another that I felt was protruding into the aisle at more than an acceptable angle. I think this is how neanderthals shopped tens of thousands of years ago.
I tend to visit Costco at lunchtime, when it is less crowded (I know. I laughed when I typed that, too.). While this usually is a good strategy, the downside is that I start to get quite hungry at the 2/3 point. No matter; I’ll just visit one of those tasting stations, right? As I got closer to the Marinated Alaskan Wild Salmon kiosk (and man, did it smelled great), I was greeted by an exhausted “chef” who informed me it would be a full 15 minutes before another batch was made. Don’t worry, I don’t think they’ll find the body.
In the end, I managed to find approximately 98% of what was on my list (No shredded mozzarella or individual hummus packs?! Not cool, Costco). Perhaps it’s for the best. As it is, I now have to figure out how to tell my daughter that I just spent her next semester’s tuition at a pricey, private college. No matter; who needs higher education when you have 6 cases of baby wipes and no baby?
Took the day off from work so I could bring my daughter to see her surgeon and then back to college. Took the day off from work but mistakenly scheduled a phone interview with a parent, which I will have to conduct from home. Took the day off from work but need to contact a teacher to confirm a meeting for next week. Took the day off from work but realized that I had to go to school later this evening for Parent-Teacher Conferences. Took the day off from work.
It’s a cloudy, chilly, gray Autumn day. Just the way I like it. I find it unnatural to have the mercury reach 72 degrees in November. I find it even more unnatural to be playing with mercury. Where did I get it?
Recently, my work has had the dubious power of sapping my creativity. After a long day of doing things (I have become a professional thing-doer by trade), I have the utmost difficulty writing anything even remotely funny or entertaining. I resent that about my job, but since it pays infinitely more than my writing hobby (Wait, that’s multiplying by 0, isn’t it?), I guess I shouldn’t complain. But complaining happens to be my second job…
There’s a marathon in New York City today. I never understood long-distance running. You and train and train for months in order to experience the thrill of losing your toenails and having your nipples fall off due to nipple-friction. AND YOU DON’T EVEN WIN!I have always been of the mind that if I were ever to lose both my toenails and my nipples, I should win something.
My martial arts training is going swimmingly. That’s because I train in a pool. But on a more serious (and dry) note, I still don’t seem to know what I am doing, but I’ve been told that I am getting better at doing it. I think that’s some kind of Zen bullsh*t right there. Just like the idea that in order to experience a richer life through martial arts, I have to pay a lot of money. I bet some Zen monks are having a big laugh over that.
And lastly, over the past 3 years, I have participated in that NaNoWriMoGitMoLarCurlyMo thing. You can read that stupidity over here, if you wish. I think I’m skipping this year so that I can concentrate on my newest hobby: lamenting the fact that I am not writing as much as before.
It took several weeks of intense negotiations, but I finally convinced my wife that it would be a good idea for us to buy an octopus.
As I explained to her, octopuses happen to be hypo-allergenic due to that fact that they have very little hair. In fact, they are often known to shave what little hair that does appear. A friend of mine has an octopus who routinely uses his Norelco razor without permission—which serves him right for not establishing clear boundaries with his pet. I mean, who does that?
On the other hand, it can be very difficult to find a proper car seat for an octopus, putting you at great risk of breaking several local traffic safety ordinances. One might be better served just sticking the damn thing on the windshield by its suction cups. Just be sure to keep the line of vision clear.
But once you work out the kinks, octopuses really do make great companions for the little ones. My friend’s kids (not THAT friend; my other friend has an octopus too) like to dress their octopus up as a squid. Boy, you can just imagine all the chuckles that brings about when the neighbors come over.
I have written the National Football League (NFL) and proposed a rule change. Whenever the New York Giants play, I think the 2-minute warning should be expanded to a full 60 minutes so that I can know to change the channel and watch something else entirely.
You really can’t beat 85° in October. And do you know why? One word…mosquitoes.
That’s right. In fact, I was just thinking to myself yesterday, “You know, I really do have too much blood in my body. And I really haven’t scratched in earnest in weeks. If only there was a way to rectify that.”
So if you’re like me and can’t get enough of blood-sucking parasites in your life, then you need Indian Summer.
Because cool, crisp weather, colorful foliage and cozy sweaters are soooo overrated.
I found out today that baby carrots are not a separate vegetable at all. In fact, they actually are full-sized carrots that have been shaved down to their diminutive size. Good god, you don’t suppose it’s the same thing with baby babies, do you?