May 2013
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“The reason I love whales so much is because they rarely ask to borrow money.”
– Me.
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Today Is The NYC 5-Boro Bicycle Tour
I did this once. But once you’ve seen bicycles in all 5 NYC boros, you’ve pretty much seen them all.
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Tonight I Attended My First Boxing Match
And I was amazed how one of them was able to place a crystal vase in it and have it completely wrapped within 2 minutes.
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April 2013
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...and I turned to Buddha last night at the bar
Me: So what do you think of those Knicks?
Buddha: A man who nicks his face shaving can be commended for at least attempting to better himself.
Me: Yeah, whatever fatso. How 'bout eating a salad every now and again.
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Another Career Change Idea
I’ve written before about how I think I am ready for a career change. Unfortunately, my brief foray as a pirate did not go well. So, now I am contemplating other possible jobs suited for my very specific skill set.
One of the things that I believe I do well, but not enough of in my present career, is think. However, I find that in between current job tasks, I tend to think a lot. Like how I...
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How To Blog And Get Rich
First things first. Blogging.
Are you more interesting than the average bear? Of course you are. That’s why you have decided to write a blog. Clearly, the rest of the world eagerly awaits your every written word.
But what to write about? Some blogs are specialty blogs, with posts that focus on one particular theme. Like food. Or fashion. Or other people’s pictures of cats doing silly...
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The Decision
Today was one of those beautiful Spring days. Sunny. A little warm but not hot. Makes me think back to last year and my first attempt at gardening.
I recall buying myself some seeds at the local nursery. I don’t remember if they were vegetables or flowers but it really doesn’t matter, does it? I planted them in rows according to packet directions and then watered them with care.
...
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“Lamenting the fact that no one posts my quotes on their blog.”
– Me.
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Podcast
In this week’s episode, Dave discusses:
~ Centipedes. Household pests or cool-looking hair berets?
~ The best food selections from prison menus.
~ Why Wheel Of Fortune is actually devil worship.
PLUS an interview with Pete, the creepy old guy from down the street
Excerpt -
Dave: So, Pete. What really happened to ol’ Mrs. Messerschmidt?
Pete: I ain’t...
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Occupation Change
That one day when I became so fed up at work I quit. My wife snorted that there was no way I could just lounge around all day. No, I would have to find a way to contribute to the household once more.
But I had a very narrow skill set. What could I do if the only thing I knew how to do was put numbers into small boxes in an Excel spreadsheet, hoping the they would somehow add up to a number...
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Siblings
Some people enjoy writing or talking about their siblings.
I prefer to wait until they become full-grown sibles.
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Evil Dead
By Dr. Seuss
Five young people were holed up in a shack,
They let out some demons they couldn’t put back.
Where to put them? Let’s lock one under the floor.
We can slice them and dice them; hand me that chainsaw.
Oops, one has an ax. Another a knife.
Oh what a night! Oh what a life!
The walls are now bloody and starting to smell gamey,
It’s Bruce Campbell’s...
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Texts With My 18-year-old Daughter
Daughter: Dad, what's all this going on in North Korea?
Me: Well, the North Koreans have barred the South Koreans from entering a joint-run factory. And they have been beefing up their nuclear testing. And accusing the U.S. of wanting to topple their society. But the U.S. isn't interested in toppling their entire society, just PSY.
Daughter: Wait--what??? PSY isn't even from North Korea.
Me: Op op op op oppan Gangnam Style!
Daughter: Um, I really have to go.
Me: ♬ Ay ~ Sexy lady! ♬
Daughter: Bye, Dad.
Me: Op.
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My Latest Novel
In a nod to Anne Rice, I decided to write my own gothic novel, “Interview With The Zombie”.
Here’s an excerpt:
Brouchard: I do so love you so very, very much.
Abigail (Zombie): Gnnnfff.
(available wherever fine, gothic novels are returned unread)
March 2013
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Sam Cavanaugh
Sam Cavanaugh, Easter Egg Coloring Champion, was so good at his craft that he could color eggs without having to wait for the chicken to lay them first.
In spite of the obvious difficulty of this feat, there were very few high fives given when he received his award.
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Immature Friends
Friend: So Dave, I hear your mother cooks carrots and peas in the same pot (snicker, snicker).
Other Friends: (snicker, snicker)
Me: Well sure.
Friends: (snicker, snicker)
Me: What's so funny? Ohhh, I get it. I thought you meant...Oh, no. No.
Friends: (snicker, snicker)
Me: But she pretty much urinates in everything she makes.
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Lament
What is it about children? When they are young, you take great pains to make sure that they know right from wrong, treat people fairly and develop a sense of responsibility—all to ensure that they never will make a mistake in the future. And then they get older and ruin everything.
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Crabby People
Some people are of ill temperament and I cannot stand them.
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So, You Want To Run A Seder?
Many of you gentile folk (and even a couple of you closet Jews) are completely mystified by the ancient tradition of the Passover Seder.
What happens during the Seder?
What mystical artifacts are required for the ceremony?
Where do I buy lamb’s blood for the doorway?
Well, I can de-mystify most of these things right here and now. Except the lamb’s blood question. That’s just creepy.
...
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“…and now, let us welcome the prophet Elijah into to our home and to our seder...”
– Scripture. Book of Recursive Jokes.
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Morning Conversation
Me: Ugh. I stayed up real late last night watching Daniel Craig in "Casino Royale".
Wife: I know.
Me: And now I'm totally exhausted.
Wife: Why didn't you just DVR it and watch it today?
Me: ...
Wife: Dave?
Me: ...
Wife: Dave?
Me: ...
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WatchWhere I make some very good points about men’s shirts.
“Inconsistency makes my hair itch.”
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St. Patrick's Day Explained
Now that we’ve basically found all the gold at the end of the rainbow, dropkicked a few leprechauns and consumed all the slime that gathers at the top of the pot where the corned beef boils, it’s time to reflect on the true meaning of this celebration.
Just who was this St. Patrick dude anyway?
Well, to be brief, St. Patrick was the patron saint of Ireland. However, the Irish,...
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Taxing
Every year about this time, I begin to get my tax documents in order. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to file my taxes just as much as the next guy, but I have no desire to go to a white-collar penitentiary. I mean, being a “winter”, white just washes me out.
Unfortunately, I have no innate sense of organization. Receipts, 1099s (what are those, anyway?), etc. are...
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Today's Lifehacks
This week at Today’s Lifehacks, we tell you how to…
1. Upgrade your living space just by moving.
2. Create a comfortable sofa bed out of nothing but IKEA allen wrenches.
3. Pick perfectly ripe fruit (and then elude the angry guy who owns the garden).
4. Put aside only $0.00005 a day and have an extra $16 on your deathbed.
5. Create the perfect 4-point list.
Read more after...
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On Daylight Savings
One of my family’s most unusual traditions (and we have more than a few; who can forget “The Unfurling Of The New Toilet Paper Roll”?) is our annual celebration of Daylight Savings.
I believe the ceremony has pagan roots, that group of funsters who wore robes and invented Christmas trees. Things have changed since then. Our robes are now fuzzy, with pictures of Hello Kitty on...
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Popeful
There is a large gathering of strangely garbed men at the Vatican with one thing on their minds: choosing the next leader of the Catholic religion. And each of them talks about how they themselves are unworthy of the position. As you can imagine, this makes choosing the next Pope a very difficult task. Someone needs to step forward. And now someone has.
Me.
I am officially announcing my...
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Welcome, Back
What is it that turns a meek, middle-aged man into a screaming banshee? If you said discovering that you have no clean underwear for work that day, you are only half-right.
It’s back spasms.
And as it happens, I got a real good set of them delivered to me this morning by Spasm Santa himself.
Spasms are more fun than regular pain because, after a while, pain gets boring. “How do you...
